Here We Are

One day you wake up a 39 year old. You look around and you see a sort of outside view of your life. You step outside of yourself for a moment or a day or a week. Because surely this is not YOUR life. Is it?

You find yourself with two teenagers that you did your best to teach, nurture, and love. One is about to graduate from high school in a couple of weeks. One is going to be beginning their last year of high school in the Fall. Some how they are, or already have, made you a grandmother. That can't be right because you aren't yet "grandmother" age.

You were always very open, very honest and upfront about sex, sexuality, boobs, penises, and vaginas. Yet, your son, at 18, has his own son already. Your 16 year old daughter is now having her own baby.

Yes, surprise... I'm going to be a grandmother. Again. Twice in one year.

Most people have no idea what to say. The "congratulations" usually come out as a question instead of a statement. They know how shocked I was, how I struggled, when my son told me his girlfriend was going to have a baby. To hear now, less than a year later, that there will be another baby headed our way soon... it's a shock to the system.

It's a shock to life. I watched my son, and to some extent his girlfriend as well, struggle with the end of his high school career earlier than anticipated. He made the choice to finish the second semester of the year through online classes and began a Monday through Friday job. The soccer season was over. The marching band season was over. Attending school every day had ended. And he was suddenly working a 40 hour a week job while raising a child. I am infinitely proud of him for making this choice, for finishing high school, for making a plan for his future.

And now my daughter will be doing the exact same thing. Although she won't be able to play soccer for her senior year or march on the band field because she will be the one having a baby.

And here we are.

I didn't want this for my kids. I got pregnant with my son when I was 19. I thought that was too young. I wanted them to do ALL THE THINGS first. All those things that I didn't get the chance to do. How does the Universe decide our fate? Or the future for those around us?

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." - Gautama Buddha

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